Brawny Man has gone Broadway

I still cant’t believe he was “accidentally” killed in a fruit juice spill. I loved the old Brawny Man. He looked just like my father and was always on my side when I begged for sugary snacks in the grocery store. “But Moooooom, Dad said I could have them.” “Jordan, that’s not your father, that’s the Brawny Man. Now put him back.” So when Brawny replaced him with the unrecognizable hot shot lumberjack in 2003, I lost my connection. No iconic mustache? Well then he can’t be trusted. To this day, he is a stranger and I advise children not to get in their Mom or Dad’s car with him.

It’s understandable some people weren’t feeling the old Brawny Man as they were tired of listening to 1970s porn music every time they ripped off a paper towel. I get it. So Brawny needed to revamp his appeal, which I’m not sure he has any of now that he sings. In Brawny’s newest commercial, he sings a haunting (in the nightmarish kind of way) version of Bill Wither’s classic “Lean on Me”. Capital C creepy? Very much so. Chuck Norris doesn’t sing and neither should the Brawny Man. With that said, someone should cover his face with a paper towel soaked in chloroform and stop the madness before it gets any worse.